Musings on Mortality

Happy Birthday To Me...

Seems like it rolls around faster every year, and here it is again; September 10th - my birthday. Pictured below is one of my all-time favorite birthday presents. Back in 1994, Adam West wrote Back to the Batcave, his memoirs about the classic, campy 1960's Batman TV show. My then- girl friend Pookie was friends with someone who was related to Adam's agent. She gave me a copy of the book which was inscribed with the following birthday greeting:

This is undoubtedly one of the coolest birthday presents I've ever received; even cooler than my Barry Williams autographed edition of Growing Up Brady. For the record, I received my coolest birthday present in the late 1960's; a complete line of Major Matt Mason toys including the Moon Base, Space Crawler, Moon Suit and Star Seeker. How cool was Major Matt Mason? Check out this commercial:

Damn, I wish I had those toys today (not that I'd sell them, I just want to play with them!)

Thoughts on growing up

Birthdays are a time of reflection, self-evaluation and depending on your age, feeling that you're getting old. But at what point does this feeling of getting old start? Not so old that The Grim Reaper is waiting outside your door, but definitely that you're not a kid anymore (or even a young adult). When you get married? Purchase your first house? Have a child? For me the epiphany occurred sometime in 1990 around the age of 29. It was then that I realized that Shirley Jones was hot.

Yes, Shirley Jones, aka Shirley Partridge; single mom and matriarch of The Partridge Family. For most of my life she was a mother figure, mom to Keith and Laurie and the rest of the brood. One night I was watching a rerun of The Partridge Family and I suddenly realized Shirley was a hottie. Not just attractive but hot. Had the term been around back then, I would have called her a MILF! At the time Shirley starred in the Partridge Family, she was in her mid 30's - which is younger than I am now, but older than I was at the time of my epiphany. Back then, it occurred to me that this was as good a sign as any that I was getting old.

I looked back at other TV moms to see if this attraction to Momma Partridge was an anomaly of mine and found that yes indeed, many of the mom's I grew up with were hot, hot, hot! Let's look at few of my favorites, shall we?

Donna Reed - archetypal TV mom and stereotype of a whole generation of pearl-wearing mothers. Donna is in fact HOT. Check her out in From Here To Eternity where she plays a dance hall girl who wins Montgomery Cliff's heart. Poor Monty never stood a chance.

June Lockhart - Mom to Timmy of Timmy and Lassie fame as well as Judy and Will Robinson on Lost in Space. I just checked and as I suspected, June is Hot! Maybe it's the red hair or perhaps the form-fitting space outfit, whatever it is, June is definitely someone I'd like to get Lost in Space with.

Mary Tyler Moore - before she was throw-her-hat-in-the-air-Mary Richards, she was Laura Petrie, wife and mother on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Whether she was lounging around the house in those Capri slacks, or dolled up in an evening gown and hosting one of those sophisticated cocktail parties, all I can say is "Mmmmm Mary!"

Elizabeth Montgomery - Samantha Stephens - without a doubt, Tabitha and Adam's mom is supernaturally hot. What did she ever see in Darren?

Whitney Blake - she played Dorothy Baxter, wife and mother on the 60's TV show Hazel. Whitney's real life daughter, Meredith Baxter, was a hot TV mom herself a couple of decades later on Family Ties. Hotness definitely runs in that family.



Lest you get the impression that I lust after every woman I grew up watching on the tube, two famous TV moms who I never found attractive are Carol Brady (Florence Henderson) and June Cleaver (Barbara Billingsly). They're both pleasant looking, and I'm sure they kept Mike and Ward quite happy, but they just don't come close to the cuties pictured above.


Some People Who Share My Birthday

Robert Wise -Academy Award-winning film producer and director whose works include The Day the Earth Stood Still, West Side Story, Star Trek the Motion Picture, and The Sound of Music (we like him anyway).

Rin Tin Tin -First in a line of German Shepherd actors.

Charles Kuralt -Award-winning American journalist.

Roger Maris - Baseball player best remembered for being the first to break Babe Ruth's single season home run record (and he did it without steroids).

Jose Feliciano -Blind singer, songwriter and guitarist (that's him performing the theme from Chico and the Man).

Bill O'Reilly - Talk show/radio host, author, syndicated columnist and blowhard.

Amy Irving - Actress and former Mrs. Steven Spielberg.

Joe Perry - Guitarist, singer and songwriter with Aerosmith. Rolling Stone ranked him 48 on their list of 100 Greatest Guitarists of all Time.

Colin Firth - English film actor (or is he a British film actor? or both?)

Randy Johnson - Five time Cy Young Award-winning pitcher. The 6'10" Johnson is nicknamed "the Big Unit". Re-read that last sentence and tell me that I'm not the only one who thinks there's something not quite right with it.

Big Daddy Kane - American Rapper (in 1992 he appeared in some pretty racy photos in Madonna's controversial Sex book)

Guy Ritchie -British film director (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch are my favorites) and current Mr. Madonna.

Madonna being mentioned twice in one blog seems like a good sign that it's time to go have some cake.

What Santa Will Bring You If You're Really Bad This Year!

Coming to a Toys N Guns R Us near you; Sarah Palin Action Figures!

Online toy company HeroBuilders.com is offering not one, not two, but three different Sarah Palin Action Figures.

First there's the Sarah Palin Action Figure ($27.95). Interestingly enough, she seems to be dressed in one of Hillary's signature pants suits.

Next there's the Sarah Palin Super Hero Action Figure ($29.95). I wonder what her power is? Probably the ability to bend the truth in her bare hands.

Finally there's the truly disturbing Sarah Palin School Girl Figure ($29.95). I guess she's every gun-toting, radical right wing, pedophile's fantasy.

What will the neo-con fanboys think of next? Ann Coulter Blow Up Dolls?

Mr. Mike's Guide to Misters Part 2

With special thanks to everyone who pointed out the inadequacies in my previous "Mister" post...

Mr. Magoo - Visually impaired cartoon character voiced by Jim Backus. Ah for those glorious days of old when you could make fun of a blind person and insult the Chinese (remember Mr. Magoo's Chinese houseboy, Charley) in one wonderful 10 minute children's cartoon.

Mr. Howell - Speaking of Jim Backus - let's not forget our favorite marooned millionaire, Thurston Howell III, who proved that class systems exist in even the smallest social structures


Mr. Warmth - Don Rickles - you have to admire a man who's made a 50+ year career out of basically pissing people off. But he insults everyone so it's OK. His big break came when Frank Sinatra came to see his show and he said "Make yourself at home, Frank. Hit somebody." Instead of having him beat up, Sinatra liked him so much he spread the word among his show biz pals.


Mr. Belvedere - famous butler who first appeared in novel form in 1947, then a series of movies starring Clifton Webb and finally a 1980's TV show starring Christopher Hewett. One of my goals in life is to have my own gentleman's gentleman.

Mr. French - while we're on the subject of butlers let's not forget the one portrayed by Sebastian Cabot on the 1960's comedy Family Affair. Have you ever taken a good look at Sebastian Cabot? Would you leave your children in his care; he looks more like Giles French, the Baby Crusher (with apologies to Monty Python). On second thought, maybe I would - Cissy, Buffy and Jodi were all pretty annoying and it's no wonder poor Uncle Bill hit the bottle as often as he did (and that damn Mrs Beasly - she was worthy of a Twilight Zone episode)

Mr. Haney - Traveling salesman/con artist who frequently plagued Oliver Douglas (Eddie Arnold) on Paul Hennings' surrealistic 1960's comedy Green Acres. Haney was played to perfection by former Western sidekick Pat Buttram.


Mr. Peepers - Jr. High School Science Teacher portrayed by Wally Cox in the 1950's comedy of the same name. Rumor has it that Mr. Peepers was fired after living up to his name and spying on the girl's field hockey team in their locker room.

Mr. C. - Fonzie's (Henry Winkler) preferred appellation for Howard Cunningham (Tom Bosley) on the 70's retro-comedy Happy Days (as in "Ayyyy Mr. C. let's go down to Arnold's and smoke some Mary Jane with Jenny Piccolo")

Mr. Met - Baseball-headed mascot of the New York Mets. Mets Fun Fact - their team colors of Blue and Orange are derived from the Brooklyn Dodgers (Blue) and the NY Giants (Orange), who both left New York for California in 1957.

Mr. Burns - immensely wealthy, avaricious and just plain mean owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant (and therefore Homer's boss) on The Simpsons. Mr. Burns Fun Fact 1: His voice, performed by Harry Shearer, is based on a combination of Lionel Barrymore and Ronald Reagan. Mr. Burns Fun Fact 2: His physical appearance is based on Fox founder Barry Diller.

Mr. Adam - title character in Pat Frank's 1946 novel about the last fertile man left alive on Earth following a nuclear power plant accident. Note to President Bush - that's pronounce "new-cle-ar".

Movie Misters


Mr. Blandings - title character portrayed by Cary Grant in the incredibly awesome 1948 comedy Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House.

Mr. Brooks - serial killer played by Kevin Costner in the 2007 thriller of the same name. The best thing about the movie is what happens to the ever-annoying Dane Cook at the end (hope I didn't spoil the film for anyone)

Mr. Christian - Fletcher Christian was a real life Master's Mate under Captain Bligh on the Bounty (as in Mutiny on the Bounty) and has been portrayed by 5 different actors over the years including Errol Flynn, Clark Gable, Marlon Brando and Mel Gibson. Back in the day, if you were doing a Charles Laughton impersonation, all you had to say was "Mister Christian!" and everyone knew who you were supposed to be (even if you weren't doing a particularly good Charles Laughton impersonation), in much the same way as "Judy, Judy, Judy" and "You dirty rat" became synonymous with Cary Grant and James Cagney, respectively.

Mr. Deeds -before it was a bad Adam Sandler comedy, it was a very good Gary Cooper comedy (as Mr. Deeds Goes to Town)

Mr. Mom - Michael Keaton coined a phrase for stay-at-home dads with the title of his 1983 comedy.

Mr. Roberts - WWII character portrayed by everyman hero Henry Fonda.

Mr. Show - Mid 90's HBO sketch comedy show starring Bob Odenkirk and David Cross (if you haven't seen or heard David Cross' stand-up comedy - for shame!

Mr. Smith -you know him - he went to Washington.

Mr. Tibbs (as in They Call Me MISTER Tibbs!) - Police Detective Virgil Tibbs as portrayed by Sidney Poitier in this 1970 sequel to In The Heat of the Night.


Music Misters


Mr. Big Stuff - "Who do you think you are?"

Mr. Bojangles -a music urban legend claims this song is about pioneering black tap dance artist Bill Bojangles Robinson. However, it's actually about a white homeless man who songwriter Jerry Jeff Walker met in a New Orleans jail cell in 1968.

Mr. Five By Five - both a song and a person. Jimmy Rushing was an blues and jazz singer, most notably with Count Basie's Orchestra. He was nicknamed Mr. Five by Five due to his build. In 1942 he was the subject of a popular swing song ("Mister Five by Five He's five feet tall and he's five feet wide He don't measure no more from head to toe Than he do from side to side"). It's a jumpy, fun little song. Don't believe me? Check out this version from Freddy Slack and his Orchestra featuring Ella Mae Morse on vocals (don't say I never gave you anything):

Mr. Roboto - hit song from Styx' 1983 concept album Kilroy Was Here. Domo Arigato.

Mr. Sandman - 1950's song so popular three different versions were recorded in 1954 and all three were in the top 20 on both the US and UK charts.

Mr. Tambourine Man - Forget Dylan, forget the Byrds, we all know who's version of this 1960's Pop-Folk classic is the best - that's right - Bill Shatner's! Don't believe me, check it out right here:

Mr. Tax Man - 1980 Reggae song from the Jamaican group Israel Vibration - no I've never heard of them before. To be honest, I was thinking of "Taxman" from the Beatles' Revolver album. Well anyway - there really is a song called Mr. Taxman.

Mr. Mistoffelees - both a character and song (Magical Mr. Mistoffelees) from Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's immensely popular musical Cats.



Comic Book Misters

Mr. A - Steve Ditko's Ayn Rand inspired hero. Everything you need to know about Objectivism can be found within the pages of this comic (believe me you really don't want to read Atlas Shrugged no matter how cool the cover is...)

Mr. E. - continuing alphabetically named heroes- we have this blind supernatural vigilante courtesy of DC Comics.

Mr. E - a different hero published by a different company (Timely Comics). With 26 letters to chose from, you'd think they could have been more original (actually this one preceded DC's by about 50 years but it's still a good joke).

Mr. Sinister - nemesis of Marvel's X-Men.


There you have it - if I've left any out this time, please feel free to berate me at your leisure.

The Real Reason I Watch CNN

Confessions of a political junkie . . .

Campbell Brown

CNN Election Center Anchor

Gloria Borger

CNN Senior Political Analyst

Shhhh...don't tell my wife.

"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."

Don't Panic!

Next to our independence, one of my favorite things we got from England is the work of the late British writer, humorist, musician, environmental activist, technologist and self proclaimed "radical atheist" Douglas Adams (1952-2001), whose most famous opus is the five book Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Trilogy" (which, in the world of Douglas Adams, makes perfect sense). Originally a BBC radio series, H2G2 (or HHGTTG or The Guide) developed into a series of novels and became a multi-media phenomenon that includes a British Television series, a computer game, comic books, Stage Shows, additional radio programs and, most recently, a big screen motion picture.

At the same time brilliant, hilarious, thought-provoking, insightful, satiric, silly and just plain fun, the Guide has to be experienced to be fully appreciated and there's no way I can do it justice. In brief - the story follows the adventures of Earthman Arthur Dent, who finds himself the last human in existence when Earth is destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass on an otherwise quite ordinary Thursday. He escapes with the help of Ford Prefect, an alien travel writer from the vicinity of Betelgeuse, on earth doing research for the Guide (which is sort of an electronic talking Frommer's). They eventually end up on a stolen spaceship captained by Zaphod Beeblebrox, the two-headed, three-armed, former President of the Galaxy. Like I said - you have to experience it first hand (I'm currently listening to an audio-book version read by British author, actor, and comedian Stephen Fry), so just mix yourself a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and find out the rest for yourself.

Book Banning Barracuda?

We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog for a special announcement.

I don't usually post content from other sources but I came across the following article on the Boston Herald's website. In the days to come I suspect more interesting facts about Sarah "Barracuda" will come to light. And you wonder why I love politics so much; it's like real life soap opera except the people aren't as attractive and the scandals are more compelling!

Palin asked Wasilla librarian about censoring books

By Rindi White / Anchorage Daily News
Thursday, September 4, 2008

WASILLA -- Back in 1996, when she first became mayor, Sarah Palin asked the city librarian if she would be all right with censoring library books should she be asked to do so.

According to news coverage at the time, the librarian said she would definitely not be all right with it. A few months later, the librarian, Mary Ellen Emmons, got a letter from Palin telling her she was going to be fired. The censorship issue was not mentioned as a reason for the firing. The letter just said the new mayor felt Emmons didn’t fully support her and had to go.

Emmons had been city librarian for seven years and was well liked. After a wave of public support for her, Palin relented and let Emmons keep her job.

It all happened 12 years ago and the controversy long ago disappeared into musty files. Until this week. Under intense national scrutiny, the issue has returned to dog her. It has been mentioned in news stories in Time Magazine and The New York Times [NYT] and is spreading like a virus through the blogosphere.

The stories are all suggestive, but facts are hard to come by. Did Palin actually ban books at the Wasilla Public Library?

In December 1996, Emmons told her hometown newspaper, the Frontiersman, that Palin three times asked her -- starting before she was sworn in -- about possibly removing objectionable books from the library if the need arose.

Emmons told the Frontiersman she flatly refused to consider any kind of censorship. Emmons, now Mary Ellen Baker, is on vacation from her current job in Fairbanks and did not return e-mail or telephone messages left for her Wednesday.

When the matter came up for the second time in October 1996, during a City Council meeting, Anne Kilkenny, a Wasilla housewife who often attends council meetings, was there.

Like many Alaskans, Kilkenny calls the governor by her first name.

"Sarah said to Mary Ellen, ’What would your response be if I asked you to remove some books from the collection?" Kilkenny said.

"I was shocked. Mary Ellen sat up straight and said something along the line of, ’The books in the Wasilla Library collection were selected on the basis of national selection criteria for libraries of this size, and I would absolutely resist all efforts to ban books.’"

Palin didn’t mention specific books at that meeting, Kilkenny said.

Palin herself, questioned at the time, called her inquiries rhetorical and simply part of a policy discussion with a department head "about understanding and following administration agendas," according to the Frontiersman article.

Were any books censored banned? June Pinell-Stephens, chairwoman of the Alaska Library Association’s Intellectual Freedom Committee since 1984, checked her files Wednesday and came up empty-handed.

Pinell-Stephens also had no record of any phone conversations with Emmons about the issue back then. Emmons was president of the Alaska Library Association at the time. Books may not have been pulled from library shelves, but there were other repercussions for Emmons.

Four days before the exchange at the City Council, Emmons got a letter from Palin asking for her resignation. Similar letters went to police chief Irl Stambaugh, public works director Jack Felton and finance director Duane Dvorak. John Cooper, a fifth director, resigned after Palin eliminated his job overseeing the city museum.

Palin told the Daily News back then the letters were just a test of loyalty as she took on the mayor’s job, which she’d won from three-term mayor John Stein in a hard-fought election. Stein had hired many of the department heads. Both Emmons and Stambaugh had publicly supported him against Palin.

Emmons survived the loyalty test and a second one a few months later. She resigned in August 1999, two months before Palin was voted in for a second mayoral term.

Palin might have become a household name in the last week, but Kilkenny, who is not a Palin fan, is on her own small path to Internet fame. She sent out an e-mail earlier this week to friends and family answering, from her perspective, the question Outsiders are asking any Alaskan they know: "Who is this Sarah Palin?"

Kilkenny’s e-mail got bounced through cyberspace and ended up on news blogs. Now the small-town mom and housewife is scheduling interviews with national news media and got her name on the front page of The New York Times [NYT], even if it was misspelled.

Find Daily News reporter Rindi White online at www.adn.com/contact/rwhite or call 352-6709.

To see more of the Anchorage Daily News, or to subscribe to the newspaper, go to http://www.adn.com.

Copyright © 2008, Anchorage Daily News, Alaska

Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.

Mr. Mike's Guide to Misters

Mr. Bean - childlike, mischievous, and selfish (yet strangely lovable) character created and portrayed by British actor and writer Rowan Atkinson. You don't have to be an anglophile like yours truly to appreciate his brilliant and often hilarious antics.

Mr. Big - Recurring character portrayed by actor Chris Noth on Sex and the City (the fact that I have a penis prohibits me from commenting any further; I wouldn't want to give the impression that I've actually watched this series).

Mr. Clean - Bald, earring wearing, enemy of dirt. One thing I never understood about Mr. Clean is why he's a sailor? Maybe it was meant to bring to mind the deck of a ship sparkling clean after a good swabbing.

Mr. Ed - Talking horse of course (of course). Lovable palomino possessed with the power of speech, or just plain possessed? You decide. I distinctly recall hearing Mr. Ed say "Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Wiiiiilbuuurrrr" while floating in mid-air above his stall. Or did I imagine that?

Mr. Fantastic - Reed Richards - leader of Marvel's Fantastic Four. I always thought he was pretty pretentious to name himself Mr. Fantastic (or was that what his wife Sue nicknamed him? After all he does have the power to stretch himself to near limitless lengths.)

Mr. Green Jeans - Captain Kangaroo's handyman sidekick as played by actor Hugh "Lumpy" Barnum. Guess what kind of clothes he wore? Here's a hint - he's pictured in the photo at left along with the Captain.

Mr. Hockey - Gordy Howe - cited as the greatest hockey player of all time. I'll take their word for it; I've never followed Hockey and I don't plan on starting anytime soon. I'm not too crazy about Hockey Mom's either (thinly veiled political reference).

Mr. Mike - Michael O'Donoghue - late comedy writer and performer (that's him in the opening skit of the very first episode of Saturday Night Live - teaching John Belushi English). I stole the title of this blog from his 1979 film Mr. Mike's Mondo Video which was a spoof of Mondo Cane, the controversial 1962 documentary.

Mr. Mister - 1980's Pop Rock band who scored two number 1 hits with Broken Wings (1985) and Kyrie (1986). In case you're wondering, the lyrics "Kyrie elesion" are Greek for "Lord, Have Mercy" - see you learn something new everyday.

Mr. Mxyzptlk - Pesky, prank-playing 5th dimensional imp and nemesis of Superman. Despite having the power to warp reality he's basically just an annoying little fucker in a purple derby.

Mr. October - Baseball Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson, whose post-season hitting prowess helped win him five World Series rings.

Mr. Rogers - Fred Rogers was the host of the long-running PBS children's series Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. By all accounts, Mr. Rogers was just as kind and caring in real life as he appeared to be on television. As sarcastic and flippant as I can be at times, I can't say anything bad about him (but don't get me started on that Mr. McFeely.)

Mr. Snuffleupagus - (pictured above) obviously the drug induced creation of a Sesame Street writer on an acid trip. I don't know what the fuck he is - part dinosaur, part woolly mammoth and invisible to everyone except Big Bird (at least that's how I remember him).

Mr. Softee - Ice cream cone-headed mascot of the Mr. Softee soft serve ice cream franchise (which operates over 600 trucks in 15 states, England, Hong Kong and China). Two bad Mr. Softee jokes: 1. I've always had a soft spot for Mr. Softee. 2. Mr. Softee has a new gig - as the spokesman for Viagra.

Mr. T - I pity the fool who doesn't know who Mr. T is. One of the most parodied characters to come out of the the 1980's (a decade filled with more pop cultural goodness than you can shake a Member's Only jacket at).

Mr. Television - Comedian and actor Milton Berle (aka Uncle Miltie) was one of the first big stars of television's golden age -starting waaaay back in 1948. He was so big that NBC signed him to an exclusive 30-year contract in 1951. Unfortunately for the network, Berle's brand of physical comedy (which famously included cross dressing) wore thin on Television audiences and by 1960 he was hosting game shows. Berle is equally famous for the size of his penis. One old joke claims he's nicknamed Mr. Television because it was 27". Yikes -that's four penis references in one blog - I think I've reached my limit).

Mr. Terrific - another egotistical super-hero - this one from DC Comics. He didn't have any super powers per se - just above average athletic ability, fighting skills, and mental prowess. Also an above average sense of self-importance obviously.

Mr. Wizard - Back in the dark ages before the Discovery Channel, Don Herbert unlocked the mysteries of science for us kids by using common household items to perform experiments we could try at home.