Thursday, July 29, 2010

Right Here On Our Stage...

Italian Mice, Spanish Ventriloquists and Spinning Plates (a Typical Morning)

This morning as I was feeding my dogs and cat, I decided to entertain them by performing an abbreviated version of The Ed Sullivan Show. Why? It's obvious; nothing enhances your pet's dining experience than bad impressions of long dead performers. Don't look at me that way - tell me you've never impersonated a mouse with an Italian accent!

Anyway, I ran through the Sullivan Basics: Señor Wences the Spanish juggling ventriloquist ("S'awright? S'awright!"); Topo Gigio, the Italian Mouse ("Ohhh Eddie - Kiss me Goodnight"); that guy who spins the plates (well I didn't actually spin any plates - I just hummed the "Sabre Dance" theme music while pretending to spin plates). I concluded the program with my impression of the Man himself ("And now, right here on our stage...").

I'll admit reactions were mixed; Casey, the golden retriever, cocked his head and looked at me in that way that dogs do when they don't quite know what the fuck you're doing. Frank, the cat, ignored me until she got bored and coolly sauntered from the kitchen, without a single glance back. Bella, the Italian greyhound was too busy running around the kitchen like an over-caffeinated monkey on acid to pay attention. My wife also ignored me, probably because she's used to my insanity after almost 15 years together and has relegated my antics to so much background noise.

My performance this morning reminds me of a scene from the 1987 comedy Tin Men. Two aluminium siding salesmen (played by Danny DeVito and Bruno Kirby) in 1963 Baltimore are discussing Sullivan:

"You watch Ed Sullivan, right?"
"Which act do you like better - the guy that spins the plates, or do you like the guy with the hand puppets?"
"Señor Wences- the hand puppets. I love the guy!"
"He's better than the guy who spins the plates?"
"Course he's better! Plus, he's got no overhead: the man's got a hand and a box!"

And now, right here on our blog, Señor Wences...

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