Mr. Mike's Guide to Misters

Mr. Bean - childlike, mischievous, and selfish (yet strangely lovable) character created and portrayed by British actor and writer Rowan Atkinson. You don't have to be an anglophile like yours truly to appreciate his brilliant and often hilarious antics.

Mr. Big - Recurring character portrayed by actor Chris Noth on Sex and the City (the fact that I have a penis prohibits me from commenting any further; I wouldn't want to give the impression that I've actually watched this series).

Mr. Clean - Bald, earring wearing, enemy of dirt. One thing I never understood about Mr. Clean is why he's a sailor? Maybe it was meant to bring to mind the deck of a ship sparkling clean after a good swabbing.

Mr. Ed - Talking horse of course (of course). Lovable palomino possessed with the power of speech, or just plain possessed? You decide. I distinctly recall hearing Mr. Ed say "Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Wiiiiilbuuurrrr" while floating in mid-air above his stall. Or did I imagine that?

Mr. Fantastic - Reed Richards - leader of Marvel's Fantastic Four. I always thought he was pretty pretentious to name himself Mr. Fantastic (or was that what his wife Sue nicknamed him? After all he does have the power to stretch himself to near limitless lengths.)

Mr. Green Jeans - Captain Kangaroo's handyman sidekick as played by actor Hugh "Lumpy" Barnum. Guess what kind of clothes he wore? Here's a hint - he's pictured in the photo at left along with the Captain.

Mr. Hockey - Gordy Howe - cited as the greatest hockey player of all time. I'll take their word for it; I've never followed Hockey and I don't plan on starting anytime soon. I'm not too crazy about Hockey Mom's either (thinly veiled political reference).

Mr. Mike - Michael O'Donoghue - late comedy writer and performer (that's him in the opening skit of the very first episode of Saturday Night Live - teaching John Belushi English). I stole the title of this blog from his 1979 film Mr. Mike's Mondo Video which was a spoof of Mondo Cane, the controversial 1962 documentary.

Mr. Mister - 1980's Pop Rock band who scored two number 1 hits with Broken Wings (1985) and Kyrie (1986). In case you're wondering, the lyrics "Kyrie elesion" are Greek for "Lord, Have Mercy" - see you learn something new everyday.

Mr. Mxyzptlk - Pesky, prank-playing 5th dimensional imp and nemesis of Superman. Despite having the power to warp reality he's basically just an annoying little fucker in a purple derby.

Mr. October - Baseball Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson, whose post-season hitting prowess helped win him five World Series rings.

Mr. Rogers - Fred Rogers was the host of the long-running PBS children's series Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. By all accounts, Mr. Rogers was just as kind and caring in real life as he appeared to be on television. As sarcastic and flippant as I can be at times, I can't say anything bad about him (but don't get me started on that Mr. McFeely.)

Mr. Snuffleupagus - (pictured above) obviously the drug induced creation of a Sesame Street writer on an acid trip. I don't know what the fuck he is - part dinosaur, part woolly mammoth and invisible to everyone except Big Bird (at least that's how I remember him).

Mr. Softee - Ice cream cone-headed mascot of the Mr. Softee soft serve ice cream franchise (which operates over 600 trucks in 15 states, England, Hong Kong and China). Two bad Mr. Softee jokes: 1. I've always had a soft spot for Mr. Softee. 2. Mr. Softee has a new gig - as the spokesman for Viagra.

Mr. T - I pity the fool who doesn't know who Mr. T is. One of the most parodied characters to come out of the the 1980's (a decade filled with more pop cultural goodness than you can shake a Member's Only jacket at).

Mr. Television - Comedian and actor Milton Berle (aka Uncle Miltie) was one of the first big stars of television's golden age -starting waaaay back in 1948. He was so big that NBC signed him to an exclusive 30-year contract in 1951. Unfortunately for the network, Berle's brand of physical comedy (which famously included cross dressing) wore thin on Television audiences and by 1960 he was hosting game shows. Berle is equally famous for the size of his penis. One old joke claims he's nicknamed Mr. Television because it was 27". Yikes -that's four penis references in one blog - I think I've reached my limit).

Mr. Terrific - another egotistical super-hero - this one from DC Comics. He didn't have any super powers per se - just above average athletic ability, fighting skills, and mental prowess. Also an above average sense of self-importance obviously.

Mr. Wizard - Back in the dark ages before the Discovery Channel, Don Herbert unlocked the mysteries of science for us kids by using common household items to perform experiments we could try at home.